While struggling with one of the changes I have been working on with writing my show (It has been a HUGE undertaking and challenge), I finally had a bit of a breakthrough. After suffering from writer’s block for a few months now, I finally stumbled back to the place I started: the realization that I’m writing the show because there is something I want to say. Somewhere along the way, I lost site of that and started to think more about what others would think of the show. That was enough to destroy my writing and any sense of confidence. So I am finally feeling like I’m getting back on my feet, and have some direction again. I’m not sure If I’ll make my deadline of a finished show by December 31st, but at least I’m feeling like I’m on my way.
I’m not sure why, but I didn’t fall into this trap with my songwriting. I think 80% of the songs I’m planning on recording for my next CD are songs I wrote in the past few months (including the first two I’ve already started recording). And I feel they are my best songs yet. Lyrically, while most of my songs from my first two CDs (“Infinite Man” and “Ready”, and even the single “Lonely Motel”) look inward, my new songs (mostly) look outward at the world around me. I wrote what I feel with no apologies, and it is a sign of my growth as a person and an artist. I’ve gotten larger and larger doses of reality in this past decade of my life, and I’m finally making peace with it. I’m embracing reality: pain and all. As a result, in my long goal to find my “voice”, I am finally starting to hear it. I’m not sure if what I’m “hearing” is a creation, or if it is something that’s always been there and I’m now seeing it after all the illusions and delusions have been stripped away. Whichever it is, I am clear that the act of creating (music or acting) is what gives me life. It is what makes me — me.
I’ve been going through some sort of psychological epiphany for some reason (it was not on my “To Do” list!). As I keep creating, I’m getting clearer and more accepting of life and “reality”. In my acceptance of reality, I’ve come to believe that the human condition comes with suffering and anxiety. I think that is part of what it is to be human. And if that’s the case, I see two choices in life: either feel the pain, or avoid it. If we feel it, we can actually move though it (as painful as it is) and have some sort of happiness and power (until the next pain comes our way). If we avoid feeling it (which is what we are taught to do in society), we can’t really have power or true happiness, and avoidance often leads to addiction and/or living in denial.
I heard a quote which speaks directly to my insight (I guess it’s true that there are no original thoughts). It is no surprise that the quote is from the brilliant Carl Jung:
“Neurosis is always a substitute for legitimate suffering.”
– Carl Jung
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